Well it's a beautiful sunny Saturday on my rooftop in Baltimore -- perfect for non-vampires to work on a little vitamin D conversion -- and I am reflecting on the latest installment of the Twilight movies, Breaking Dawn. I am sorry to say that it's near lack of a moving plot nearly broke me.
Pros:
1. Kristen Stewart's acting skills were slightly improved. I don't think she bit her lip once! Instead she awkwardly rubbed her preggers belly too often.
2. Kristen Stewart spent the majority of her screen time doing the following, thankfully in almost total silence: psyching herself up for her wedding night (washing her arms?? WTF?!), getting refused by Edward over and over, playing multiple games of Chess on her honeymoon, under a blanket looking ugly and emaciated, and/or in a near-death venom-induced coma. Oh the silence!
3. Billy Burke as Kristen Stewart's dad. Weird perhaps, but I find him attractive (in this context at least) moustache and all.
4. The wedding speeches. Super funny!!
Cons:
1. The amber eyes are weird as shit. Everyone looks crazed and drugged out with bad dye jobs.
2. I had forgotten how much I hated Edward's passive aggressive romantic hero nature and this was in full effect throughout the movie. Shut your face Edward and just bang your wife already!
3. Any scene with the wolf pack was super cheesy.
4. The designated boy and girl baby names. Ugh, cheesy cheesy.
5. Jacob imprinting on a baby. Creepy.
6. A lack of an exciting plot- four major events total... even my kindergartners could sequence this movie with no problem!
Overall, Breaking Dawn was entertaining but it definitely did not live up to its expectations. If you took away anything from the movie, be sure to always use protection on the occasions your vampire boyfriend will actually have sex with you. If you don't, you'll get pregnant. And die!
(Recognize the movie quote? Anyone?!)
Is it bad that I'm still intrigued to see this? And love the part about your kindergarteners lol... So true.
ReplyDeleteHa ha!!! I'm still totally going to see it... lol but you are a crack up!!!!
ReplyDeleteHaha, think of me when you do :)
ReplyDeleteOh and I find Billy Burke weirdly attractive too. You're not alone there :)
ReplyDeleteAGREED.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't stand the wolf scenes. I actually laughed outloud.
Never could stand Kristen Stewart...and I don't know exactly WHAT it is about Rob Pattinson. It's like he's got a small case of the "William Shatner" and he sort of has these awkward "poetic" pauses...except they're not poetic they're just ridiculous.
And then of course there was the side boob. HOW COULD YOU NOT MENTION THE SIDE BOOB?! That was the best part. I LOVED how half of the movie was "PG" sex scenes and side boob lolz
Am I the only one who caught that line? Mean Girls when Cady skips her first sex ed class!
ReplyDeleteYES Cristina!!!! I knew I heard that quote before but I couldn't place where it was from!!!
ReplyDeleteHaha, I knew you would get it Cristina!
ReplyDelete:D
ReplyDelete