Text Message Breakups

Blast from the past this morning.  Remember the Kelly Shoes video circa 2006 or so? I know you all quoted it like it was your job, present company guilty. How could I have forgotten that? After rewatching it though... we actually thought that was funny? I remember it being much much funnier.

Then I thought, oh! The Cunningham Muffins video was so much funnier. Nope. Still f-ing weird but it's the best of the bunch.

Anyway, the only reason the Kelly videos came up was over a discussion about test message breakups, which even though I'm 2+ years out of that relationship, the only part I'm not over and still a little bitter about is in fact the text message breakup. No matter what, it always goes back to the text message breakup. After everything, he could sum up our entire relationship and how he felt about me in 160 characters or less. Now that's just plain mean. Here's my version in 35 characters: You're still a douche, deck hole :)

Btw, the text message break is up video is REALLY f-ing weird and it goes on forever. Of course, I've just discovered that the father of all these videos, Liam Kyle Sullivan (who looks like a ginger Jimmy Fallon), has made much much more since then. Maybe a Kelly video exists now that is legit funny?

Now that Kelly is on my mind- interestingly enough, my parents wireless router name is Betches. And the words "betch," "deck," and "beg" still resurface regularly in my sisters' vernacular, so clearly something stuck. Lol

And remember kids, "sex is for... married people" ;)

Obit: Kimmie Kim

Maybe he's not so ronrey anymore?

It's That Time Of Year

If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually IS all around. Love this time of year <3

Sweater Chickens Locked and Loaded

What Not To Wear does a fabulous job of reiterating a point in which I firmly believe it: don't be cheap when you buy bras. While it's more money upfront, they are better quality and can do a number for an outfit and your attitude (provided you use appropriate laundering techniques to preserve longevity). At the end of the day ladies -- or all day rather -- you want your girls "locked and loaded" and ready to kill. Case in point: Stacey and Clinton's reactions here are just the best!

We Are Young

Anybody catch the new episode of Glee this week?  I have to say, it's my personal opinion that Glee this season has been sucking a bit. Where's all the good music?? Well, they finally sang a good song. This is the Glee cover with the original by a band called Fun.  Great song, great cover! Love it!

P.S. What's with the video?  I couldn't quite wrap my head around it: girl silently making suggestive faces and breathing heavily while peeling an apple in bed? Is "peeling an apple" a new euphemism? Lol #confused

The Fine Art of Kissing

Now I'm sure many of you have seen this already, but unfortunately I've DEFINITELY been on the receiving end of one of these.  This was in fact, "not like the movies." Seriously watch a soap opera or something to see how it's done! Nobody likes to be fish mouthed. That's just gross.

In closing, I was reminded by my bestie back home with a little perspective : "be thankful, because you could be dating the 35-year old Maryland cat virgin."

True statement sister :)

Engaged To Die

As bizarre and entertaining as this was, a word of warning to my future husband: I'll kill you if you ever do this to me :)

Out With November, In With the Stress

I've been receiving some private complaints about my lack of posting and with each new day as we approach the end of the semester, my life will only be getting exponentially busier (so don't expect anything else soon).  Last week was also busy but instead I caught some bug that had me out for the count for days.

However, this little guy made me feel a little better :).  Like the turkey hat?

On a side note: how is it that I'm currently pursuing an active break from dating and yet I still have boy troubles?  I think I officially have bad chi.  Perhaps it is time to feng shui my personal life??


To the Bat Shit Crazies of the World,
I'm not interested. Thanks!! :)

At the 'Breaking [of] Dawn' There Was Still No Plot!

Well it's a beautiful sunny Saturday on my rooftop in Baltimore -- perfect for non-vampires to work on a little vitamin D conversion -- and I am reflecting on the latest installment of the Twilight movies, Breaking Dawn.  I am sorry to say that it's near lack of a moving plot nearly broke me.

Pros:
1. Kristen Stewart's acting skills were slightly improved. I don't think she bit her lip once! Instead she awkwardly rubbed her preggers belly too often.
2. Kristen Stewart spent the majority of her screen time doing the following, thankfully in almost total silence: psyching herself up for her wedding night (washing her arms?? WTF?!), getting refused by Edward over and over, playing multiple games of Chess on her honeymoon, under a blanket looking ugly and emaciated, and/or in a near-death venom-induced coma. Oh the silence!
3. Billy Burke as Kristen Stewart's dad. Weird perhaps, but I find him attractive (in this context at least) moustache and all.
4. The wedding speeches. Super funny!!

Cons:
1. The amber eyes are weird as shit. Everyone looks crazed and drugged out with bad dye jobs.
2. I had forgotten how much I hated Edward's passive aggressive romantic hero nature and this was in full effect throughout the movie. Shut your face Edward and just bang your wife already!
3. Any scene with the wolf pack was super cheesy.
4. The designated boy and girl baby names. Ugh, cheesy cheesy.
5. Jacob imprinting on a baby. Creepy.
6. A lack of an exciting plot- four major events total... even my kindergartners could sequence this movie with no problem!

Overall, Breaking Dawn was entertaining but it definitely did not live up to its expectations. If you took away anything from the movie, be sure to always use protection on the occasions your vampire boyfriend will actually have sex with you. If you don't, you'll get pregnant. And die!
(Recognize the movie quote? Anyone?!)

iTunes Finds #1

In honor of my seeing Breaking Dawn tomorrow with a certain Montana-ian, I decided to share a few of my latest iTunes finds within the past few weeks.

Part of the Breaking Dawn soundtrack, Christina Perri's A Thousand Years

Did anyone catch the CMA's?  Loved this song immensely even if Matt Nathanson looks like an old, hairy, wannabe rocker whose pants are too tight.

I'm in 'Crazy, Stupid, Love' for RG

I saw this floating around Facebook today. So true. Which brings me to my next point...

If you haven't already taken the time to see Crazy, Stupid, Love, DO IT.  It's fantastic, it's cute, it's funny, it surprised me, it's wonderful.  Not to mention, you get to watch Ryan Gosling make eating a slice of pizza sexy. I would take a bite out of that any time of day :)

Goodbye Philadelphia, Hello Baltimore

My apologies for any and all posts that are disjointed since I have about a year's worth of date stories to write still.  In the meantime, I leave you with an older blog originally written in August 2010 right before my move to Baltimore. Reading this again I am pleasantly surprised by how appropriate and true the message of it is and although forgotten on my behalf until this moment, it is absolutely the driving force behind this new blog. May we share a few laughs together and stay tuned for my first Baltimore horror date story!


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In lieu of me leaving with finishing touches inspired by the deluge I endured earlier today, I leave you with this.  Unofficially dedicated to a select few :)

1. Someday I want an entire room filled with books, anthologies, etc. and I'd like to truthfully say that I have read them all.  Nicholas Sparks novels not allowed. Only books of substance... meaning there will be a special spot for the oh-so special Twilight series ;)

2. I thought it was funny that before the fourth book the love scenes between Edward and Bella were always described as these cold, tight lipped, passionless kisses and made a full transformation post wedding to breaking headboards, sustaining mild brain injuries, down feathers everywhere... I guess 80 years could do that to someone.  I can't wait to see how the film tackles that. Cue: Kristen Stewart's never ending heavy breathing.

3. I truly have a passion and love for movies. Even the bad ones. Did anyone notice in the movie Eclipse that Alice gives Edward and Bella the house to themselves for the night, Edward buys Bella a bed, a passionate kissing scene ensues on said bed, and is concluded by Edward's (and hands down the best) line in the whole movie: "Stop trying to take your clothes off." I actually laughed out loud. Well what the hell else are you supposed to do to pass the time while waiting for an army of baby vampires coming to kill you?! Mixed signals Edward... mixed signals.

4. I HATE having my feet wet thanks to a year of rowing and six previous years of band stuck in smelly wet wool uniforms. WWI has nothing on me- trench foot and the pervasive sogginess of all three pairs of my running shoes were a twice daily occurence.

5. Consequently I hate the rain. No surprise there. I even wrote a blog about it. It makes my hair Jersey big and even more so affects my mood. Stay away if my clothes get wet- I am a straight up case of bad news bears. Extra grizzly, I promise.

6. The perfect weather is 80+ degrees with no humidity and the sun shining. This paired with my boy Jose Cuervo makes me a very happy girl. If you bring the salt, I'll bring the limes!

7. I have a ridiculous fear of sharks which is probably more a fear of deep water (i.e. not being able to see the bottom, boats sinking, me not being a strong swimmer, etc.) and sharks are simply the hysterics that follow. My line of thinking in the ocean is if I don't drown first then the sharks will get me. Needless to say, I don't watch Shark Week.

8. A trending theme here is my dislike of wetness, water, or things in water especially when I can't see what is or is not there. You'll have to pardon my neuroses as when it comes to washing dishes, I, ever the domesticated female, also admit to compulsively wearing yellow rubber gloves. Dish pan hands are such a drag ;)

9. I was "kicked off" an Army post once. I asked my dad if he would be upset if I asked the Air Force guy saluting him what he really wore underneath his flight suit. Turns out he was, lol. Note to self: when preceding questions with phrase "Would you be upset if..." the answer is always YES.

10. A not-so secret passion: over the years I have enjoyed torturing my parents into thinking that they had an over-sexed daughter that they needed to keep on a very short leash. Some people seriously have no sense of humor :)

11. I hate mascots. My ear has been violated by Whool E. Bull and I've even been propositioned by a dude in a pancake suit in Philadelphia. Your sexual innuedos didn't work on me Mr. Pancake Suit Man but how very Miranda Hobbes-esque (remember the sandwich?). Who knew I would have my very own Sex and the City moment!

12. Carrie Bradshaw would be proud of my shoe collection. Although not $500+ designer shoes, I love big bold patterns with any kind of shoe. I would be the asshole wearing radioactively bright, day-glo pink running shoes.

13. Every outfit needs some flair. I either do a crazy shoe and/or wear a headband with a colorful bow. Or a giant ass flower. Or even better, zebra striped.

14. Every woman should own at least one fashion item in animal print. Bag, dress, shoe, diamond studded thong... guess which one I own?

15. I generally don't wear underwear when I work out (and I don't actually own a diamond studded animal print thong). Who wants to worry about VPLs (visible panty lines) when you're sweating like a 40 year old man?

16. Winter weather brings out another side of me. I hate being cold and I'm cold all the time. I go from diamond studded thongs to oh-so sexy wool socks pulled all the way up. There's nothing worse than cold ankles. Warmth trumps sexy any winter day.

17. I used to always say I wanted to be a chef when I grew up. I even had a chef birthday party way back when.

Presently I'm sorry to say I probably have too close of a relationship with Food Network.

18. I love city life and trying new restaurants and new food. OpenTable is the best everrr.

19. Things I dislike intensely: ice in my drink, ice cream, maple anything, green vegetables, most berries with the exception of strawberries, and all varieties of melon. I do however love to cube watermelon... anything to showcase my knife skills while prepping for my future appearance on Top Chef!

20. I have some texture issues when it comes to food. Chunky is bad (e.g. fruit in yogurt makes me want to puke). Problem solved by Yoplait Whips preferably at room temperature. I know it sounds gross but after eight years of a non-refrigerated brown bag lunch, old habits die hard.

21. Heightened sense of smell runs in my family and I unfortunately inherited the super smeller. This in particular is why I hate green vegetables. They smell green, they taste green, they make me want to puke. Pregnancy is going to be a blast!

22. Speaking of puke, I hate that too.  I most unfortunately happen to have a knack for getting puked on. When you're 20+ years old, puking on someone is UNACCEPTABLE. This itself can be a whole separate blog entry.

23. I could seriously live without chocolate and alcohol. For some people, that plus sex is a staple. But who needs chocolate when you could go home with this guy.... except I don't think there's enough alcohol in the world to get me through a romp with that Chewbacca on his back. Gross.

24. On that note, I am a firm believer in waxing. The only hair you should be able to part, braid, crimp, or use a Bumpit is the hair on your head. Take care of it. That is non-negotiable. End of story.


At this point, these are 24 things about me that I should never say in a job interview. Or on a first date for that matter. In fact, I probably need therapy. However, as we all head in our different directions maybe someone new will think I'm funny and loveable in spite of my crazy raving just as you all (and you know who you are) have embraced the good, the bad, and the downright ugly for twelve years. You absolutely deserve a medal for being the best.

Thanks to all who have taught me a thing or two: best friends, boyfriends, family, teachers, mentors, and even those four crazy, fictional ladies bashing around the New York City of HBO. Here's to new beginnings and a new city to bash around on my own, but remember my Philadelphians, you will always have a place to stay in Baltimore.
I leave you with #25...

25. My secret: learn to laugh about yourself. Poke fun at the funny, twisted ways of your life and enjoy that time laughing with the friends you really care about. And if you so choose, maybe write a blog about it :)

Much love <3

One Convict Too Many

Facebook was in a tizzy last night back home.  I'm certainly glad I didn't go on a date with this guy.  Weirrrrd.

Single In Baltimore

Where to start?

My name is Mandy. I live in Baltimore. I go on really bad, really funny dates in such frequency that it has become increasingly harder to chalk it up to coincidence.  So lucky for you, I intend to share my bad luck- at least in blog form.  Happy reading :)